Monday, January 03, 2005

Life is like a .com

Hello. My name is Dirk Nowitzki. People call me Dirk Nowitzki. You want to buy a .com? You could make just about a billion dollars with a .com. My Mark always said life was like a .com, you never know what your gonna get.........My underwear is tight....... Ya know Mark always said there's an awful lot you can tell about a person by their underwear. Whether they have gone. When they have gone. I've worn lots of underwear. I bet if I think about it real hard I can remember my first pair of underwear........[Dirk remembering]...............Mark said they would take me anywhere.......... He said they were my Magic Diapers.........I was born in Wurzburg Germany, in the county of Wurzburg, June 19, 1978. I was named after the great film actor Dirk Jules Gaspard Ulric Niven van den Bogaerde. They just called him Dirk Bogarde. Mark always said Dirk Bogarde was a better actor then Humphry Bogart. He just never got any good roles, thats all.

When I was 5, I went to the play ground where they were hitting balls with these sticks with strings over this fish net. They let me hold one of them sticks and I tried to hit one of them balls and I fell on my buttocks. But somehow that ball hit my stick anyway and flew over that net and it seemed to impress everybody. Especially this red headed boy named Boris. About a year later that boy was flopping around on the grass just like me and they gave him a big shiny plate for it.

When I was 7, I got to go to Berlin to meet the man I was named after, Dirk Bogarde. He was with this other fella named Ronnie. He was an actor too, just like Dirk Bogarde. He mainly liked to act with monkeys though. They were talkin about how they hated this wall. They were using a bunch of big fancy words like dismantle and pullvise or something like that. I asked Ronnie why he wanted to tear down that wall so bad. He put a big smile on his face and patted me on the head. About a year later they tore down that wall. I wonder what that wall did that made everybody hate it so much.

When I was 12, I went back to the play ground and saw some boys throwin this big orange ball through some more fishing net. They called it basketball. They asked me to play.....So I did. For some reason, basketball came very natural to me. So I started playing it all the time. I played basketball even when I didn't have anyone to play with. I played basketball so much, I even played it in my sleep. I got so good that they sent me to America to play in something called an all star game. I scored over 30 points in 10 minutes. Everybody was impressed. Even this big fat man they called the Round Mound of Rebound liked what I did.

Then I got drafted by the German army and I marched. Day, night, rain, shine. We marched. All we did is march. After that, I got drafted by the American army. Or atleast I thought I got drafted by the American army. Instead, they just wanted me to play with that big orange ball some more..... So I did.

You know, its funny what a young man recollects. Cause I don't remember being born. I don't recall what I got for my first Christmas and I don't know where I went on my first picnic. But I do remember the first time I heard the sweetest the world........"SIT YOUR SKINNY BUTT BACK ON THAT BENCH SHAWN BRADLEY"!!!! I had never heard something so beautiful in all my life. He then came over to me and asked if I could throw that ball through that net.... So I did. A big smile came over his face and he said his name was Nellie. I told him my name was Dirk. Dirk Nowitzki. From that day on, we was always together. Nellie and me was like peas and carrotts. He taught me how to rebound. I taught him some German words. He taught me to whine. I showed him how to row boats.

Mark always told me that miracles happen every day. Some people don't think so, but they do. When I was playing that game with the ball a big bully named Shaq came up to me and said that I was nothing and he was going to hurt me. So Nellie told me to run. He just kept Dirk Dirk run......So I did. Now you wouldn't believe it if I told you, but I ran like the wind blows and sure enough if my diaper pin didn't pop and my diapers didn't fall off my buttocks and slide down my legs. So I put on some boxer shorts. Mark always said you can tell alot by the underwear people wear.

One day when I was getting tired from playing basketball and all, I decided to go sit on that bench that Shawn was always sittin on. I didn't know who I might meet over there. Then this tall fella said I could sit down if I wanted to...... So I did. He asked me if I had ever been to a cornfield. I said I had been to the play ground field, but not a corn field. He said he wanted to buy a big corn field and plant corn. He said his name was Raef and that people called him Raef. I said my name was Dirk Nowitzki and people call me Dirk Nowitzki. Raef said he was born in Hampton Iowa and that he knew everything there was to know about the corn buisness. He said he was going to go into the corn buisness when he was done playing with the ball. Raef says that all you have to do is stick the seed in the ground and watch the corn grow. Raef says that corn is the fruit of the earth. You can barbeque it, boil it, broil it, bake it, steam it. There is corn bread, corn flakes, corn on the cob, candy corn, corn syrup.........Raef asked me if he built his corn farm, would I come and join him in his corn buisness. I said, if you build it, I will come.

One day Nellie asked us what the sole purpose in the game was. I said it was to put that ball in that net. He said I must be a stinking genius and that it was the most outstanding answer he had ever heard. And that I must have a stinkin IQ of 160. Now for some reason I fit in this game like one of those round pegs. Its not really hard. You just bounce and catch and throw that ball. And being real tall helps.

Then one day I met Captain Fin. Captain Fin sure knew his stuff. I felt lucky he was my captain. He came from a long line of basketball players. Then one day Captain Fin hit the floor like he was shot or something. It was his legs. He couldn't walk or run. So Captain Fin couldn't play anymore. It made Captain Fin real upset. He said that we all have a destiny. Nothing just happens, its all part of a plan. He said he should be losing out there on the court with his men, but that now he is nothing but a stinkin cripple. A legless freak. He asked if I knew what it was like to not be able to use your legs. He said had a destiny. He was supposed to lose on the court. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not him. He was Captain Fin. I told him he still was Captain Fin. But all Captain Fin kept yelling was that we are all a bunch of losers and everything was hopeless. Captain Fin had lost his faith. And Captain Fin was right. We began losing. And losing and losing and losing. But then, after one really big loss, Captain Fin regained his faith and we also started winning again.

Then one day we ended up playin that mean Shaq man again. He hit his buttocks against Raefs buttocks real hard and Raefs buttocks was not big enough and Raef hit the floor like he was shot or something and Raef never played again for us. Thats all I have to say about that.

Then I went home to Mark and he told me he had lost his money. All billion of it. I asked him why and he said losing your money was just a part of life. Its something we are all destined to do. Mark said he didn't know it, but he was destined to be my owner and he did the best he could do. He said you make your own destiny. You have to do the best with what God gave you. I asked Mark what my destiny was and he said life was like a .com, you never know what you are going to get. Mark always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them.

In practice one day, I asked Nellie if we could play more defense. Nellie said I didn't know what defense is. I said I wasn't a smart man, but I knew what defense was. Then out of nowhere, Nellie just up and left. I didn't know where to. So for no particular reason, I decided to play the saxaphone. And for no particular reason, I just kept playing. When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to know.....I went. Otherwise, I just played and played and played. When I played, I thought about Raef, Captain Fin, and Mark, but most of all, I thought about Nellie. I got famous for all the saxaphone playin. They couldn't believe somebody would do all that playin for no particular reason. They would ask me why and I would just say that I felt like playin. Now for some reason what I was doing seemed to make sense to people. All of the sudden everybody was playin the sax. Someone told me it gave people hope. Then I got tired of playing the saxaphone..... So I stopped.

Then one day out of the clear blue sky I got a letter from Nellie. So I got on a bus and met him. He apologized for everything he did to me and for not teaching me defense. He said he was messed up for a long time. And then........he showed me little Stevie. Nellie said he was just like me.....only smaller. I loved little Stevie.

Mark always said losing was a part of life. I am not sure if Captain Fin or Mark was right about destiny. Ya know.....whether we control destiny or not. I think maybe its a little of both and they were both right.


At November 10, 2005 at 9:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

umm..did u make this up?

At March 14, 2006 at 8:57 PM, Blogger lizzie2_24 said...

Dirk u need to come to toronto,my family is from germany and they think your just awsom...we hope the best for u ever need someone to show u around toronto, give me a call..liz k

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At October 25, 2006 at 9:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HeY dIrK!!! I think ur just tha most coolest person evr!!! ur my inspiration 2 b-cumin' a b-ball player!!! i think ur so awesome that i decided 2 do my essay on u. (we're supposed 2 rite about who inspired us 2 do sumthin.) Im lookin' up sum info on u rite now, but i cant find wut i need! if only u could just cum here so i can give u an interview... yeah good luck!!!
(is this really Dirk?!?!?!?!)

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